So I am sitting here, stressing out and trying not to cry because I quit my job and the replacement job i thought i had fell through. I don't know what I am supposed to do without money and feel useless without a job. I was just thinking about everything when I realized that this is my 10 year annaversary month from my last chemo and the last thing that I should be doing is crying becuase I am probably going to leave the only place I have ever lived to find something better. So that's what I will do for this weekend CELEBRATE! I am alive and, well, mostly healthy and that's something unbelievable and most excellent. If anyone has any ideas on where I can find a job that involves really helping people and not just customer service on the phones anymore please let me know.

How much can the heart sustain? It's the strongest hardest working organ in the body. On top of that we hold our emotions in this place. How much can a person go through before they give up? I mean I am suprised that myself and a lot of the people I know are going strong through tragedy, illness and heartache.  I know I have wanted to give up before, especially when I really seem to be sucking at life. But there is always that something inside of us that keeps us going with faith, hope and prayers that one day things will get better. Sometimes they do and sometimes they get worse. But it's those times that things to get better that really keep us going and those are the times we have to fight hardest to hold on to.

Seems it's really simple to hold onto the bad things in life, the people that hurt us, the hard times we have had to fight through and the people that were taken too soon. But it's so hard to hold on to the good times, they slip away so fast sometimes. But we have to learn to do it. Hold on to the people you love, the ones that are there for you. Hold on to the laughter and the smiles between the tough stuff because that's what gets us through all the other junk! When you don't have it, try to make it. Go to the park with a kid, hell, just talk to a kid for a while and you will realize how awsome their naiveness is. Everything is awesome! lol.

I dunno I am just rambling on. Trying to remind myself that I need to keep an eye on the good things in life and look forward to the good times to come.

So I am almost 10 years in remission now! Right on. But lately I am really struggling with my weight. When I am naturally small. But lately I don't even look healthy. I try to stay at least 105 lbs but these last few months I am down to 95 lbs and haven't changed any of my habits. I have an appointment to see my oncologist because I don't know what else to do. Just feeling tired a lot lately and keep losing weight. Any suggestions? I think i have tried everything from ensure and trying to eat more than i should. I dunno, maybe i am just worried over nothing. I dunno if anyone knows of anything to boost my energy and gain some weight my ears are open!

I know that last time I wrote I was super negative and basically sucking at life. It;s hard sometimes when you feel like you've been through so much hell in your life and even when it's all over you still feel brought down because no matter what you do life is just too much and too hard to deal with. Like you are starting to feel ok with things then suddenly have something knock you down. But it's not a small trip like it should be but a full on fall because you were already so tired from the events before. Right now i am learning to make my little incidents and what would be harmless medical malfunctions just that instead of a minor freak out that the cancer came back or the long term side effects from the chemo have effected me. 

As with most of the cancer survivors i know, all my heroes, I have a respect for life and the limited time we have on this earth and try to love and live to the fullest. It's blown up in my face terribly when it comes to matters of the heart. I tend to love completely and don't want to take anyone for granted. I make sure they know how i feel. However with matters of the heart people are unpredictable and they can always change their minds. 

I am a 9 year survivor of childhood bone cancer. I fought through it twice and made it. Nothing should be able to get me down after that and i need to learn that. Any suggestions? hah! Hopefully soon we will all find our places in the world even if it does take a while.  

hmm I never know how to start these things. 

I am in recovery for about 8 years now! That's great! umm that seems to be all thats great with me lately. Things are coming along in stride. I recently had my heart shattered into a million pieces and i am still working on pitting them back together. One day i will be all in one piece... Hopefully one day soon. I would like to get out and meet new people but lately i find myself really tired and going to Tucson seems so far away. Ok so i should explain that.. I live in a small town south of Tucson.. There is nothing to do here and I know most of the people here. It's pretty lame. But i live and work here and by the time i get off work i am soo tired i go straight to my comfort zone and stay down here with my friends. Any ideas of getting energy to go out and meet new people?

Ya... I just got my long term follow up done and there are no cancer! that's great right.. Small issue though they found a medium sized cyst on my ovary. It's actually causing me a lot of pain. Not so bad... I see the dr next week about it and it's not a tumor so i will survive!